Tag Archives: children

Please stop asking the Old Lady at church to participate in your child’s disobedience

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shy-child

“Good morning, Johnny!” said the Old Lady at church.

Silence ensued, accompanied by a lowered brow which was followed up with a dodge behind mom’s leg.

“Say ‘hi,’ Johnny!” said the harried mom who was late, weighed down by an infant in a car seat and a diaper bag that didn’t want to stay on her shoulder.

More silence from Johnny, except for the almost imperceptible nasally sneer that came from his tiny frame as he peeked out from his defensive position to check that all eyes were still on him.  Mom was getting frustrated – she likes Old Lady and wants her to think well of Johnny, and her parenting, so she struggled to wrest the child from his hiding spot and coax little Johnny to say, “hi” to the smiling, waiting Old Lady.

But Johnny was having none of it.

As the seconds began to pile up with crushing pressure, Johnny became even more resolute and Mom was looking for any way possible to just get the scene over and done with.  So, with apologetic eyes (and heart) she spoke to Old Lady for Johnny and said, “We’re feeling a little shy today.”

To which the Old Lady at church was supposed to smile and say, “Oh, it’s OK, dear – don’t worry about it.  They all go through this stage.”

But she didn’t, and here is why.

She doesn’t want to participate in Johnny’s disobedience, and you shouldn’t either.

This mom’s answer on any given morning might have been “we’re still working on our manners,” or “we’re trying not to force him into social situations he’s uncomfortable with,” or “I keep trying to get him to talk with adults, but he just won’t,” or any number of other reasons she has allowed for Johnny not to do as she asked, but none of us is doing Johnny any favors if we allow him to persist.

While all of those things might be true (shyness, manners, social skill development, etc.) they are entirely beside the point.

Little Johnny was told to do something by his mother and he refused.  By making excuses for his behavior, Johnny is actually being trained to disobey her and she wanted desperately for the Old Lady at church to help her do it.  Sound familiar?

It is absolutely OK that Johnny is learning social skills and manners and even how to navigate social situations he is uncomfortable with.  But it is absolutely not OK for him to openly defy his Mom or Dad.

This may seem like a small and silly thing to write about, but it’s played out with such regularity, and is cousin to so many other ways we encourage disobedience rather than obedience that I sometimes want to shout out loud…  STOP THAT!!!!

It’s important that we think  through all of the little things about child-rearing in light of the Gospel.  We miss out on a million opportunities to disciple our kids when we don’t walk them through the steps of showing them their need.

In the example above, all could have been well if a couple of small changes had been made.  If mom knows that Johnny really is shy, she can practice with him before he goes in the door.  “OK, Johnny, what’s Old Lady at church going to do today?”  “Say, ‘Good Morning.'”  “Right!  And what should you say then?”  “Good Morning.”  “YES! That’s right! Let’s practice. Would you like Mommy to help you say ‘Good Morning’ to Old Lady today?”  And then when the scene plays out, Mom can say to Old Lady after she’s said her greeting, “It is a good morning Old Lady and Johnny and I have been practicing together our greetings to people.  Can you help us practice?”  Old Lady will be more than thrilled to help you, and says it again.  Mom helps reluctant Johnny (who maybe looks at Old Lady but then hides his face in mom’s neck.  At this point, Johnny is not disobeying because he hasn’t been told to do something, but he now has two adults helping him to learn an important skill.  Old Lady might say, “Oh, Johnny – I know it’s hard to learn how to do this but you keep practicing with Mommy and we’ll try again next week!”  No disobedience – all support.

What if Johnny is just not up-to-snuff on all those manners?  What better place to practice than in the company of Old Lady at church?  Mom and Dad can talk to Johnny ahead of time about this, too, and even do some play acting at home in preparation so that Johnny becomes comfortable with the exchange of greetings.  A similar request as above can be made of Old Lady when they walk in. Some coaching might be involved in the process, but that’s OK.  Making mistakes while learning is understandable and to be expected, but everyone involved is working towards Johnny’s good in this scenario.  Mom, Dad, and Old Lady can gladly participate in Johnny’s efforts to acquire skills to appropriately greet people he might not know very well, and he’s learning to honor people like Old Lady by speaking directly to her and not hiding behind someone’s leg.

You get the idea – find ways to prepare your little darling for what’s coming and what you expect their response to be.  Teach them why these things are important and that you expect them to obey you. Build into the situation a great likelihood that your child can succeed with what is being asked for in the routine of normal social situations, and don’t be afraid (or too proud) to ask for help from those around you who have journeyed far ahead of you on the road.  (And if you’re stumped about how to do that, ask Old Lady!)

It’s critical, Mom and Dad, that we take the discipleship of our children intensely seriously.  God doesn’t wink at or laugh at our sin – even our “childish” sin that is universally common.  He hates sin, and he has put his own son on a cross to remove it from his children.  Thankfully, we don’t have to make that kind of sacrifice for our sin or our children’s.  But in the end, if a rebellious and disobedient heart really is at the core of your little darling’s reluctance to obey you, then there is really nothing more important for you to address right there and right then – even if it is in front of Old Lady at church.  Take him to a private place, mete out whatever discipline is necessary, and come back and try again.  Old Lady will still be there, smiling and waiting, and cheering you on for being a phenomenal parent because you are taking the sinful heart of your beloved offspring as seriously as God does.

Next post, A Word about Liars…

 

 

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May the Lord bless you and keep you

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child-praying

If you have gone to church for any services during your life (weddings, funerals, baptisms, etc.) there is a good chance you have heard words like these before:

 

May the Lord bless you and keep you.

May the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you.

May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.

 

It’s a blessing.  It is given from one person to another.  But it is also a prayer prayed by someone for the benefit of another.

 

It’s taken from the book of Numbers in the Bible, which reads like this:

 

The Lord bless you and keep you;

the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you;

the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace. (ESV)

 

You can see that the wording is similar – but not exactly the same.  And that is what I want to explore in this post… praying scripture personally for one another for their good and for God’s glory.

“I’ll pray for you,” is something we might say often enough – or think we should say – but my experience is that, in general, we are very weak in this area.  And brothers and sisters –  we need to be better at it.  That’s just the simple truth.

 

I first read about blessing others in a little booklet called A Father’s Guide to Blessing His Children, by David Michael (you can find it here).  In it the author not only tells why father’s should seek to bless their children, but how.  I highly, HIGHLY recommend the book – and the practice.  (I know others have written on this as well, but this little resource was powerful, easy to read and understand, as well as inexpensive.)

 

Michael shows how we can take scripture that is full of instruction and warning and encouragement and all manner of teaching – and pray it for our kids.  His emphasis is on blessing them personally, in Christ’s name and for His name’s sake.

 

It’s not hard at all to motivate people to want to ask God to bless their children (who doesn’t want the blessings of God to be showered upon their offspring?).  But I have found that using this same concept of taking passages and praying to God on someone else’s behalf is a powerful tool in the believer’s hands.

 

Saying things like, “Lord, I want to lift up my friend Tim as he goes for his new job interview, I know he really needs a better job,” is OK, and the Holy Spirit knows your heart so if that’s all you’ve got, by all means pray it!  But it’s weak, and it’s not OK to just stay there.

 

How about praying like this instead, “Lord, please bless my friend Tim as he goes for his new job interview.  You know that his heart is anxious – calm him and grant him peace.  Help him Lord to remember that whatever circumstances he finds himself in to be content – for he can do all things through You who gives him strength.  Lord, fill him as only the God of hope can.  Fill him with all joy and peace as he trusts in You, so that he may abound in hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.  Help him to remember Lord, to cast all of his cares upon You, for You care for him.  Help him to remember that you have promised to supply all his needs according to all Your riches and glory in Christ Jesus, and that we serve You, Lord, our God who is able to do infinitely more than we can ask for or imagine.  Grant Tim peace today in You.”

 

If you were praying these words with Tim which one do you think would fill him with courage and confidence in the Lord?  Which one would remind him who has his future and his good in His hands?  And probably most importantly, which of these two prayers would bless Tim – and also, at the very same time – honor God the most?

 

These aren’t my words – I’m no better at praying than you or anyone else – these words are all from scripture: Philippians 4:11-13, 19; Romans 15:13; 1 Peter 5:7; and Ephesians 3:20.

 

I learned a long time ago that the Bible expresses my deepest needs and longings far better than I can.  If it’s true for me as I’m trying to figure my own life out, it’s got to be true for all the people I care about, too!  

 

If we believe that God himself breathed his very words into Scripture, and that they are life-giving truth sufficient to save, I’m guessing it’s a pretty good source to get our prayer-language from, eh?

 

Here are a few more so you can start to get the hang of this:

 

A prayer of blessing from Psalm 23 could be like this:

 

“Lord, show ______________ that you are her Shepherd.  Help her to see that because of that, she will never be in want.  Show her Lord, that in the greenest of pastures she can be content and lie down in rest.  Show her that you will provide still waters for her thirsty soul.  Lead her Lord, in the paths of righteousness, for Your name’s sake.  Remind her Lord, that even when she walks through the darkness and in the shadow of death, she has nothing to fear, for You are with her.  Teach her Lord the goodness and comfort of your rod and staff.  Give her abundance in the face of her enemies.  Anoint her and cause the cup of your goodness to overflow in her hands.  Help her to know that Your goodness and mercy will follow her all the days of her life.  And remind her, Lord, that in the end, she will live with you, in your house, under your protection and provision forever and ever. Amen.”

 

Do you think that if your daughter or friend or sister heard you praying for her like this it would speak to her inner-most being?

 

A prayer from Matthew 5:3-11 could go like this:

 

“Lord, grant __________________ the kind of poverty of spirit that leads him to the Kingdom of Heaven.  Comfort him as he grapples with are mourns over his own sin, and also over the injustices he sees around him.  Help him to be meek – seeking your will and not his own.  Cause his soul to hunger and thirst for righteousness as he hungers and thirst for food and water today.  Satisfy him with only Yourself.  Give him wisdom and power to be merciful, and do as You’ve promised Lord and show him mercy.  Help him to see the state of his own heart as You see it Lord, and purify it so that he can see you clearly.  Remind him of his calling to bring peace – your peace – to those around him and give him courage to speak boldly to those he interacts with today.  Cause his speech to be so clear that everyone around him identifies him quickly as your son.  And Lord, if he is persecuted because of it, remind him that nothing can take away his citizenship which is with You in heaven.  If others speak ill of him, or lie about him, or scorn him because he is Your faithful servant speaking the truth in love, remind him of the great cloud of witnesses that has gone before him, who were faithful in the face of persecution and death because loving You and being faithful to You was worth far more than even their own lives.  Grant him strength to follow hard after You today and every day Lord, for his good and for Your glory.  Amen.”

 

Do you think your husband or your son or brother would go into their day differently being prayed for like this?

 

I think I would.

 

Listen – I need this, too.  I pray this way often by myself, but I don’t do it often enough in the hearing of others.  What a precious gift I withhold from those I love and care about when I don’t.

 

Will you join me today in looking for ways to bless others AND honor God in this way today?
Share your stories with me.  Help us, Lord, to encourage one another and spur one another on to love and good deeds…. That’s my prayer for YOU.

The Collateral Damage of a Parent’s Sin…

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“The wisest of women builds her house, but a fool tears it down with her own hands.” Proverbs 14:1

I watched a movie once called Collateral Damage.  It told the story of the horrifyingly negative effects on a couple’s life of “intervention” into another country’s affairs.  I don’t remember a lot about the story – something to do with oil companies in South America I think –  but I do remember the callous response of those individuals responsible for the mess that had been made.  “Oh well,” they shrugged.  “One has to expect a little collateral damage.”

What?!

This wasn’t even a war zone.  One might possibly come to some kind of terms in the context of war, but this? This was so… ludicrous!

And so is the nature of the collateral damage that we create with our own hands and mouths.  As we look ahead to Mother’s Day in a few weeks, and then Father’s Day beyond that, do your families a favor and think with me on these things.

Yes – I know.  This isn’t one of those cute and happy kinds of Mother’s Day thoughts… But if we can get this right, it is worth far more than the cards or candies or even expensive items that will be exchanged on those days and the lingering effects will last for many years to come.

Recently my husband and I were challenged to come up with a list of at least fifty consequences that happen when we sin.  The parameters were to think of things that happen in our personal, marital, and family lives – but for this post, I’m focusing on the things that happen to our children when we sin against them or in front of them.

To be honest, it was difficult to start this list.  I kind of felt like it was a big dragon that I was trying to capture by the tail.  Where do I start?  How do I get a concept like this down on paper?

So, as I often do when I have a puzzle to solve or problem that seems too big, I brought it to the table and presented it to my kids so they could help me organize this list a little better.  They’re clever people and all adults now (or very close to it) so I figured it was a good discussion to have around the table.

They, too, had some trouble grappling with the largeness of the category at first, but after a little discussion our collective thoughts came up with a few ideas.  We started grouping sins into categories, which was certainly an organized approach, but didn’t turn out to be very helpful in actually answering the question, “What are the consequences when we sin?”  It was all good food for thought, and they were actively engaged in the process, but we still hadn’t come up with a good list of consequences when they had to start leaving for various reasons.

I was alone again with my thoughts.

I tried again, trying to think through the many things swirling around my head.  Then I started to remember some specific times that I had had to go to them and ask for their forgiveness.  Painfully I remembered too many times I had hurt them with my words or accusations or tone.  Ouch.

The list started to flow more easily when I thought of how they felt, and how hard it was after some of those times to rebuild what I had carelessly wrecked.  I realized that I wasn’t talking about consequences like paying a fine when I’m late with a library book.  I was looking square in the face of damage.  I was the one who sinned, but they had suffered because of it.

The list (below) is still growing as I realize more fully how damaging my sin is to them.  Whether I have sinned directly against them, or have sinned in their presence, I do damage.  I create casualties out of my own flesh and blood!

How many adults do you know who are still heavily burdened because of how their parents treated them?  How many adults do you know who find it exceedingly difficult to say, “I’m so sorry I hurt you,” because it was rarely (if ever) said to them?  (Maybe you count yourself among them!)  What restoration could there be if we think about the lasting, hurtful effects we have on our children’s whole lives and change how we interact with them?  What love could we bestow on our grandchildren if we teach our children to quickly seek forgiveness?

This year, as we think about Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, how about if we give the gift of humble repentance to our children?  I can tell you that the fruit is well worth it.  I couldn’t have had this discussion with my kids if I hadn’t first shown them that they could trust me with the brutal truth.  They have long felt the freedom to come to me and lovingly, call me out on my sin.  I usually don’t want to hear what they have to say – not because I don’t want them to tell me, but because I hate that it is true.  But I am so very grateful that they do come.  What a blessing to see them have the courageous love it takes to rebuke a brother – or, in my case, a mother – because they want the relationship restored and whole again.

Their loving rebukes have helped to change me.  It hasn’t always been easy to change some bad habits.  But habits can be changed and rooting out bad habits is worth all the struggle and failure and repentance and trying again and again that it takes.  It’s hard work.  It can be frustrating and wearisome, but the sweetness in the relationships is so very, very worth it!

Part of discipling our kids is modeling being discipled in front of them.  When we show them that we are willing to be humble and go to them when we have wronged them, then our exhortation that they humble themselves before God holds a lot of weight.  If we never do it, they see straight through us as the hypocrites that we are.

Remembering frequently that we are shepherding souls that will live for eternity helps me to keep things like this in the right perspective.   Unfortunately, we don’t take our sin seriously enough in general, and therefore, we don’t consider all that happens when we sin.  Writing a list of the collateral damage of my sin has been very sobering.  But hopefully it will bear much fruit for a long time to come.

You can read my list – but writing your own, and referring to it regularly, will reap the most benefits for you.  Adding to it as you realize the power of your influence in your home will reap rewards for you  – just as it has for me.  Every parent messes up.  Every parent messes up regularly!  The key to preventing it from becoming irrevocable destruction is to quickly go to even the youngest of children and own it.  Get down on their level, look them in the eyes, and say, “I’m so sorry for doing this to you (be specific).  I’ve sinned against you and it was wrong!  I shouldn’t have done it and I wish I had controlled myself so I didn’t hurt you.  I’m really and truly sorry! Can you please forgive me?”

It’s pretty tough for a child to resist the sincerity of a parent as honest as that.

This year, as mothers and fathers, give the gifts to your children.  Give them the gift of adulthood with as little “parental baggage” as possible.  If you have grievances to address – go to them and seek their forgiveness, not expecting anything from them.  Some things are long-standing and messy.  It may take them a long time to trust that you are sincere in your humility.  But do it anyway.  Your gift will be a blessing for generations to come.

 

Collateral Damage of a Parent’s Sin

What happens when we sin against or in front of our children…

  • We are poor role models for how to be godly men or women
  • We teach them to disregard what God says about humbling ourselves and asking for forgiveness because we disregard it
  • We teach them to disregard what we say about the same thing
  • Our home is not a warm, loving place, but a battle ground
  • Our children are afraid, rather than secure
  • They feel alone, rather than protected
  • They feel rejected, rather than loved
  • They are confused because we’ve violated the standards we’ve set before them
  • They are sad
  • They are broken
  • They feel despair
  • We cut down those we love the most rather than build them up
  • We hurt them now and for years to come
  • We communicate that we don’t trust them
  • We communicate that they can’t trust us
  • We communicate clearly that we don’t love them the way Jesus loves us
  • We sow seeds of doubt in their hearts that God is not who he says he is
  • We communicate that we think we are worth more than they are
  • Our selfishness communicates that we value our own desires more than we value them
  • Our indignation communicates that we haven’t given them permission to call us out on our sin
  • We build walls between ourselves rather than relationships
  • We preach a false Gospel to our children – one that worships self rather than God
  • We create an environment of fear and anxiety rather than love and safety
  • We use our position and authority as tools to get what we want rather than as ways to lovingly serve
  • When we put our needs above their needs it teaches them to do the same
  • We teach them to rebel against us rather than submit to loving parents
  • We create dependence on our approval rather than on the approval of God
  • We teach them to doubt that God has their best interests at heart because we don’t
  • We create cripples rather than soldiers fit for spiritual battle
  • We fail to teach them how to humbly and sincerely repent and seek forgiveness
  • Our selfishness begets selfishness – both in ourselves and in our children
  • We teach them that they have to protect themselves because we haven’t
  • We teach them that they have to build walls up to avoid future hurt
  • When we don’t listen well to them, we communicate that we don’t value what they think or feel
  • We create disillusionment in relationships
  • We teach them to doubt everything we’ve ever said about love and forgiveness because we haven’t lived what we’ve preached.

*This is just the beginning of the list… there is more, so much more to be added.  But you can do that with your own children.  Mine are happily helping me add to this one.  Not so they can point out my faults, but because they know they are loved and want to love their own children well.  None of us wants this to be our legacy.  Getting rid of sin together is a joy!

I’m sorry…

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I’m sorry…

Two of the most used, and abused, words in any language.

We’ve all seen it happen:

An offender offers the obligatory “sorry” to their offended – mostly just to get them (or the situation) off their back.

I’ve seen it with children frequently:  We say, “Jenny, tell Johnny you’re sorry for biting him.”  But Jenny is not sorry.  She feels justified because Johnny did (fill in the blank), but we insist.  “It was wrong to bite Johnny.  You owe him an apology.  Now tell him you’re sorry.”  Jenny still isn’t sorry and you have other things to do.  “Jenny!  Tell Johnny you’re sorry for biting him or you will (fill in the blank with some consequence of not saying “sorry”).”  The word “sorry” becomes Jenny’s ticket out of this mess, and getting out of the mess is worth more than maintaining her stance of justification, so she, begrudgingly, complies.  “Sorry for biting you.”

But everyone present knows it’s a sham.

Children are not the only ones who are guilty of this.  And, since I’ve been thinking on this and being more aware of how frequently it happens, we adults don’t seem to grow up and get much better at hiding our contempt or the ruse.

Who hasn’t heard (or been) a couple in the midst of a disagreement (where there really is something to be sorry about) where the guilty party is finally convinced that they need to admit it and do the right thing but end up much like the Jenny and Johnny above?  “OK, I’m sorry,” but we all know that’s a lie.

Or, worse still, there is a shouted, “I’m sorry!” with an expressed or implied, “now can you just drop it!” attached to the communication.

I’m sure we all have stories we could tell where we’ve witnessed it.  But if we’re honest, we must also confess that we’ve been “that” guy (or girl), too.

I ask, dear reader, because I wonder if real forgiveness can ever be offered is there is never real sorrow over our wrongs?

Jenny didn’t simply bite Johnny.  She injured his body, sure, but she also injured his person as well.  She bullied him.  She devalued him.  She placed her wants, her desires, her will above him – which communicates that he is worthless to her.  She violated his right to suffer no undeserved harm.  She abused him.

Can a muttered “sorry for biting you” ever express what really needs to be expressed to him without her realizing that she has done far more to him than leaving teeth marks?  (And yes, parenting a child’s heart is incredibly hard and takes much more time – but it is critically important.)

The same is true in adult situations.  When we offend or hurt someone, can the two words, “I’m sorry” ever really be enough?  Can that phrase convey heartfelt remorse over the wrong and the collateral damage that ensued without some evidence of sorrow?

I think not.

The original meaning of the word “sorry” is overflowing with a very different tone.  Old dictionaries use the following words to define “sorry”:

“distressed, grieved, full of sorrow”

“pained, wretched, worthless, poor”

These words paint a fuller picture of what “I’m sorry” ought to convey.  They get to the heart of the matter, don’t they?  Rather than a “can we get this over with” mentality, or “I’m sorry if you’re upset about this” attitude, “I’m sorry” should convey, “I am grieved and full of sorrow that I hurt you.  I am pained that my wrongdoing has affected you so profoundly.  I wish with all of my heart that I had not done it, because I love you and don’t ever want to see you hurt – least of all by me.”

But we don’t really recognize that our insults are damaging and costly beyond the seconds of time they take to express them.  We don’t acknowledge that our refusal to consider someone else’s needs is hurtful and reckless far beyond inconvenience.  We don’t want to admit that our threats or control or indifference express so, so much more than thoughtlessness or carelessness might excuse.

Instead, we defend our wretched behavior.  Or we justify it by blaming someone or something else.

Why do we do that?

Wouldn’t it be better to say, “No!  I’m not sorry!”?

At least if we did that we wouldn’t be adding deceit to the list of our transgressions.

Shouldn’t we at least be able to acknowledge that until we really are grieved over what we’ve done to the other person – in all its fullness – that what we are really communicating is that we are valuing ourselves – our reasons- our excuses – our justification – our position – our status – as more important and worth more than the other person?

You might ask me why I care about this enough to lay it out here.

I have two reasons:  The first is that more and more I see around me a thousand, maybe ten thousand ways we avoid the “little” conflicts in our lives to our peril.  We ignore the things that we don’t want to deal with for a variety of reasons, but they all boil down to this:  we don’t think the other people in lives are worth rolling up our sleeves and getting messy over.  In this area, we don’t want to spend the time or the energy it takes to try to work things out with someone who has offended us, or whom we’ve offended, so we “let it go.”

But it doesn’t go away – it builds.  It gets added to the next time and the next until we erupt and don’t even know where to begin to try to make things right.  Relationships are destroyed over the building up of a thousand unresolved opportunities to say, “I’m really, truly, honestly sorry for hurting you.”

But the second, and infinitely more important reason is this:

Can forgiveness ever be ours if we do not sorrow over our sins?  Can we possibly expect that an All-Knowing God is fooled by our “sorry if I upset you” words when we all know full well there is no real sorrowful remorse?  Can repentance ever be genuine if there is not also sorrow?

Psalm 51: 16-17 says:

For you will not delight in sacrifice (or an obligatory “sorry”),

or I would give it;

you will not be pleased with a burnt offering (or an, “I’m sorry if this upsets you”).

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;

A broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.  (parenthetical statements added)

 

Learn what being sorry means, friends.  Teach your children to understand it as soon as they are able.  And for the sake of the Gospel in your own life and in the lives of those around you, be quick to see the profound and magnificent work that can be wrought through a heart that has learned what it is to be “pained, wretched, distressed, grieved, and full of sorrow.”  All of heaven rejoices over one such as this.

The discomfort of struggle

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“NO!  DON’T TOUCH IT!”  I remember quickly intervening before my four-year old son “helped” a butterfly emerge from its cocoon.

“You have to let it come out by itself,” I instructed.

“But it needs help!” he demanded.

“No, it doesn’t.  It needs to struggle its own way out, or it will die.  It needs to get stronger by working itself out of that cocoon – if it doesn’t, it won’t be strong enough to fly away.”

Obedient, but dissatisfied, he relented and watched the grueling struggle as the wriggling, writhing thing slowly – ever so slowly – finally emerged and spread its wings to dry.  With revelry, he squealed in exaltation when “his” butterfly finally took flight, under its own power, and left the safety of our observation tank.

But there was another butterfly in our collection that had yet to emerge, and I did not catch my son before he gently “helped” the next one out.  That butterfly never spread its wings.  It never flew away.  It never did what butterflies were meant to do.  We found it on the floor of the terrarium, dead, not long after.

I knew what had happened without him confessing, but I asked him if he’d tried to “help” his other butterfly.  Embarrassed, he denied it at first, and then with tears he said, “I just wanted to help him!  He couldn’t get out!”

So many times I am tempted, like my son, to take a short-cut through the struggles in life.

I want to “help” my kids figure things out.

I want to “help” myself by bypassing the hard things.

I want to “help” the friends and loved ones in my life out of the pain and suffering they find themselves in because I don’t want them to struggle.

But when I look back at the times in my life when God has revealed his character to me best and deepest, I can point, without exception, to the painful and difficult struggles I’ve gone through.

I could not have known God the way I know him without them.

Why then do I insist on looking to avoid the uncomfortable struggle of getting through them?  Would I trade knowing God deeply and richly for an easier life?  God forbid that I would ever say so… but isn’t that exactly what we say when we try to escape the hard things?

I know that there is joy when the hard things are over.  And there is a depth of gratitude that comes when seasons of pain are memories and no longer daily realities.  In The Problem of Pain, C.S. Lewis writes, “Love may forgive all infirmities and love still in spite of them: but love cannot cease to will their removal.”

But the joy and the gratitude are impossible without the pain that precedes them.

I would not be able to know how sweet joy can be without knowing the bitterness of bone-grinding difficulties.  And my gratitude grows as deep as the plumbs of my despair when I have suffered loss and seen that God is good.

The struggles we face – and we watch others face – can, indeed, be uncomfortable to watch, to endure.  But there is such beauty ahead if we will wait with patient anticipation of the strength and character he will mold in us through them, if we will just trust Him.

By all means, help when it is necessary – but only when it is absolutely necessary.  And that is likely much later than we are typically comfortable with.

Love in the laundry room…

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I spend a lot of time in our laundry room – I mean a LOT.  I learned a long time ago to use that time productively – well, by that I mean using it for more than just getting the laundry done.

Each of my kids has had his/her own laundry bin since they were born and I have a system where I do certain people’s laundry on certain days of the week.  It works for us.

One of the byproducts of my little system is that while I’ve spent week after week, year after year, doing laundry for my family this way, I have prayed for each person specifically, pointedly, fervently  while doing his/her laundry.  I don’t really mind doing the laundry – even though for a family of nine there has certainly been a lot of it.  There’s a lot of love that has happened in my laundry room.

And, because of the volume of laundry and the time that gets spent keeping the process going, the laundry room is one of the first places my kids look for me when they can’t find me.  It is not at all uncommon now for one of them to seek me out for some one-on-one mom time when I’m in there.   There is still a lot of love happening in my laundry room.

So it was no surprise to me when  one of my sons came in to “help”  me fold clothes.  He had been struggling through some weighty issues.

He’s a young man.  He’s reached the age where he is thinking seriously about his mission in life, and looking forward to the time when he can ask a young woman to follow him in it as his wife.   I’m glad he’s giving serious thought to these things.  However, one of his friendships had put a lot of restrictions on him – or at least he felt he should be restricted.  She’s a sweet girl from a great family – she’ll make a wonderful wife and mother some day.  But I didn’t believe that she would be a good fit for him.  He was different around her than he was around us – less prone to laugh at the things we normally laugh at, less willing to engage in activities that we normally enjoy, and a little more inclined to look at others with judgment when they didn’t behave the same way.  This was never her doing – it was his.  He was trying to do what he thought would please her and make her approve of him.  But that’s not how God intends things to be, is it?  He wants us to please Him and look to Him for approval.

We had talked about this inconsistency many times, but he didn’t really want to see it for what it was.  It was the topic of many of my laundry room prayers.

But one day he went with another family to an event that was pure delight to him.  The members of that family (including some young ladies) thoroughly enjoyed his company, and he theirs.  They laughed and took pictures of the day and had a blast together.   It was silly, frivolous, thoroughly enjoyable fun for all of them.

When he came into the laundry room, he was excited to show me the pictures they had taken together and tell me about the day.  He was beaming.

After he told me the stories he wanted to share I took a breath and said, “I have a question for you.  Would ______ have taken those kinds of fun pictures with you?  Would she have even gone to this event with you or would it have been viewed as too frivolous or silly?”  He said, “that’s more than one question.”

But he took my point.

After some reflection he answered truthfully that no,  _____________  would not have gone to the event or taken the silly pictures.  She would have, in fact, probably encouraged him not to waste his time on such silliness.

I asked him how it felt to be with people who just accepted him for him?  How was it to laugh and be yourself and not worry about what might be considered inappropriate to laugh at or want to do – when all of it was innocent fun that had no sinfulness attached to it?   I asked him, too, how it was to be with young ladies who truly appreciate his talents and personality the way they already are without implying that they might be better if….?

He was quiet.

Pressing further, I said, “Son, life can be sweet if you’re with someone who is building you up and encouraging you to be the man that God has intended for you to become.  But it can be really, really long if you’re with someone who always wants to mold you into the image of the man that she wants you to be.  When I see that happening to you, the mother bear comes out in me and I want to protect you from it.  But you need to be looking at these kinds of things in your relationships – especially as you think through the qualities you hope to find in a future wife.”

Still quiet, I asked him, “What do you think about what I’ve said?”

His answer was precious – and so typically him!  He said, after some reflection, “I think Mother Bear has much to share, and I have much to think about.”

OK. I can live with that.

Parents, a lot of discipleship – the vast majority of it – happens in moments like these.  I couldn’t have had that kind of conversation with my son if I didn’t have his heart.  He knows – beyond any shadow of any doubt ­- that I love him.  He knows he can trust me to always tell him the truth.  He knows I will listen to him when he comes to me – even when he has to tell me things I may not want to hear as well.  He knows that I only, and always, have his good in mind.  He’s heard lots and lots of words of affirmation and encouragement over the years, too.  And he has learned to listen, even when I have tell him things he doesn’t want to hear.   Don’t be afraid to press in and say the challenging things – but be sure you have your child’s heart first.

Our parenting roles and responsibilities change what they look like over  the years, but we are always responsible to speak the truth in love.  Speaking the truth isn’t usually the hard part for lots of parents. – having our kids’ hearts isn’t as easy.  But for our kids, knowing that there is first a foundation of love and acceptance in your home and in your relationship with them makes hearing the truth possible.

They know they need the truth, but first they’ll come looking for the heart-connection in your love.

Make sure you leave the laundry room door open.

Do you have a plan?

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We were asked by our pastor Chris McGarvey this week if we have a plan.  A plan for reading?  A plan for praying?  A plan for purposeful growth.

He has a variety of Bible reading plans listed on his blog, they’re all good – any one of them will be profitable.

But I saw this plan for praying for our children today and wanted to link to it.

How encouraging to read of a man and his wife praying for their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren in the same, faithful way – week in and week out, month in and month out, year in and year out.  So often I’m tempted to look to some new, creative way to talk to God, but He is not the one growing bored with our conversation – I am.  Ouch.

How refreshing to read that it is good and proper and right to simply and yet faithfully bring our little flock before the Good Shepherd.  He delights in the details of each of their lives – he does not grow tired or complacent because we pray, again, for our children to be faithful.  He is pleased with that prayer every single time.

Here is the list – again, any one of them will be profitable.  But can you imagine the godly legacy you will establish for generations to come if your children are covered with and exposed to this kind of consistent, faithful prayer?

(FYI… there is more to this list!!  Please click on the link above and visit Andy Naselli’s blog to read the rest – you won’t regret it!)

by J. D. and Kim Crowley

[The Crowleys have six children, and J. D. is a pioneer missionary-linguist in Cambodia.]

Faith

  1. Grant them a heart of repentance from sin.
  2. Give them faith in Christ from an early age.
  3. Fill them with your Holy Spirit, and may they bear the fruit of the Spirit.
  4. Lead them to be baptized into your church.
  5. Make them members of a strong church with godly elders.
  6. Give them spiritual gifts for use in the church, and help them faithfully use them.
  7. Lead them always to increase in holiness.
  8. Keep them within the orthodox faith of Christ and the apostles.
  9. Protect them from false teachers and false teaching.
  10. Make them fruitful proclaimers of the gospel, filled with love for all.
  11. Make them humbly committed to daily prayer.
  12. Give them hunger for daily Bible reading.
  13. Fill them with love and forbearance toward others.
  14. Help them endure trials with faith and joy.
  15. Help them guard their conscience.
  16. May their lives be like the sun that rises stronger and stronger until the full of day.

Wisdom

  1. Give them hearts that constantly overflow with thankfulness.
  2. Make them peacemakers.
  3. Give them a vocation/skill/work that provides for their family and is useful to society.
  4. Give them a sense of purpose and joy in their life work.
  5. Rescue them from the fear of man.
  6. Provide for them a good education.
  7. Help them apply themselves diligently to their studies and other work.
  8. Rescue them from laziness and dishonesty.

Influences and Relationships…